6/22/2023 0 Comments Icarus poem![]() This was not bad at all- I have been harsh with my critique. I'm aware that this is free verse but regardless there is no problem with doing minor edits if you think it will help benefit the effectiveness of this poem. Overall I thought this was of decent quality if not more than a little rough around the edges. As a reader- I've heard this message many times before and it doesn't feel original. You have touched on some nice themes here with the idea of control and consequences of disobedience but I feel as though this could benefit from a certain twist or spin on the cliche overused message of obeying your elders because they know best. I would suggest using some more in depth ideas to contrast with this simple and plain story. I like that you have a story going on behind your words and you did tell it quite well considering this was through poem format. I would suggest using more consistency and accuracy when deciding on the placement of your rhyming words or avoiding rhyming this altogether because, right now, it's doing little or nothing to actually help with the effectiveness of this poem. The purpose of rhyming is to help with remembrance of a poem and to help with the flow of a poem and for me this did neither. Here it just felt rough and not very smooth. There's nothing wrong at all with using rhyming but I would only suggest using it if you are sure you can pull it off properly. The rhyming kind of threw the poem of balance and it your were completely inconsistent with the occurrence of the rhyming. Not sure that I totally fell in love with your rhyme scheme here. If you ever need another review, feel free to PM me or post on the thread, and I will (hopefully) complete the review a lot quicker than before.ĮnchantedPanda here to review for you! You've already had some pretty thorough review so I'll just give you my general impressions of this poem. ![]() Once again, I'm really sorry for the delay. Good luck with any editing or future poems! The poem has the potential to be really good, and I think you do have that capability, but there are a few things that, if improved, would make the poem much better than it is. Well, I suppose that's really all I have to say. It seemed that a lot of it (such as "wings from wax made") attempted to fit the mood of the poem by sounding kind of, say, oldish, but.that wasn't really working it was noticeable, and ended up detracting from the writing. Even so, the writing itself would be better off with a little more description and such. As I said above, I really wish there was something more unique here, some sort of new take on the story. I would suggest switching one of those out for a synonym. In the middle two lines here, the phrase "the foam in the foaming abyss" is kind of redundant and unnecessary, and cuts the flow of the poem a bit. The sun began to fade as the son engulfed in flames hit the waves That said, here are a few sentence-level thoughts: I would suggest spicing up your poem by adding more and better descriptions this would also help make up for the fact that it is a retelling. There aren't really that many of them, and the ones you do have don't have much metaphor or simile. A lot of your descriptions seem to be a little, say, simple. But I feel as if there should be something more. It's free verse, and it doesn't have much in regard to poetic devices and such (although the "sun" and "son" is a bit clever) so it just seems kind of.bland, I guess. But here, you don't really have any of that. ![]() You could even just have the same story but put it in rhyming verse. Retelling a myth is fine, but it's best if you have some sort of new twist on it, a new way to look at it, a new moral to draw from it, or even a different ending or something. It's the retelling of a famous story, and it doesn't really add anything on to it. So, the first thought I have about this poem is that it doesn't seem particularly, say, new. ![]() I sort of inadvertently left YWS for a little while, but now I have returned, so I have come to review!
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